


All the Joy is my Song

by TardisTexan



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, rdficathon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-04-26
Packaged: 2018-03-25 22:05:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3826675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TardisTexan/pseuds/TardisTexan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>RDficathon prompt - River finds a book of Gallifreyan poetry hidden in the Doctor’s library.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All the Joy is my Song

River quickly slipped through the first door she came to and sank down the floor. She could hear the Doctor calling to her on the other side of the door as he walked quickly down the hallway after her. She tensed when his voice got close but apparently the TARDIS was being kind and had hid the door from him because his voice moved on and the hall outside grew quiet again.

River let out the breath she had been holding and burst into tears. She was so angry, and so upset, and so sad and confused all at the same time. It was only her third time in the TARDIS since the first time and she had so many conflicting feelings wrapped around that man currently searching for her . 

Every time River saw him, her instinct immediately went into Kill Mode. Her senses would heighten, her muscles would tighten, her mind would sharpen, and everything inside her would scream for his death. But her emotions, her mind, and her heart would quell those feelings. This was the man who brought down empires, but he was also the man who her parents loved, who Rory thought was worth it, and the man who had given his heart to her so completely that he allowed her to kill him just so he could show her what he felt for her. 

He had been so incredibly gentle with her the first two times she had found him since Berlin. He was keeping his word, leaving her to find herself, but she couldn't help but be curious about him so she had begun to track him down all over time and space. But things never went as she planned when she saw him. Every time she was with him she did something that would bring that look into his eyes, that look that said she wasn't the person he wanted her to be. The problem wasn't the Doctor, the problem was her. She was not the woman he loved, that he had given his life for, and it hurt. 

This time they had been on a remote moon first being colonized. It was a wild, lawless place and the Doctor had said something that offended a large male Fashi. When the Fashi pulled his weapon, River immediately went for it. She had almost beaten the Fashi to death before the Doctor's voice broke through to her and he had stopped her. When she realized what she had done, she had been ashamed and the Doctor had that look of horror and disappointment in his eyes. She knew that sometime in her future she would be someone he loved, but she didn't see how. She was someone he abhorred now, someone he barely tolerated. Someone who was disappointing and looked like the woman he wanted.

How was she supposed to be his River Song? Who was this woman? Was she boring? Safe? Nice? Who was she? How was she supposed to find River Song when she didn't know who she was?

River sighed and wiped her eyes. She looked around for the first time. She was in a vast room and every shelf was full to the brim with TARDIS parts, weird, oddly shaped items, and books, loads of books. The Doctor had shown her his personal library, and this wasn't it. Maybe it was a storeroom of some sort. River took a deep breath and inhaled a smell she loved – old dusty books. Even though she was only in her third semester at college, she already loved the library at the university more than any other place on campus. No one in the 51st Century needed books, everything was available digitally, but River still loved the feel and smell of a book. It reminded her of Earth in the 21st Century - of the Library in her high school, of Amy's books stacked all over the Pond house, of Rory's books he kept in such a neat row in his room. 

River stood and start moving down the dim walkway between two high bookcases. She didn't recognize any of the artifacts but her fingers trailed along the books, touching each and every one she could. The TARDIS was not translating for her here, and she recognized some of the languages on the spines of the books, but not a lot of them. 

River wandered among the shelves in the semi darkness, looking at the books, moving toward the light she could see in a far corner. She stopped with a small gasp as she found an entire shelf of books with small Gallifreyan circles on the spines. She reverently ran her finger down one of them, the words jumping into her mind, “Tales from Old Arcadia”. 

Very soon after her arrival at Luna, she had downloaded everything she could find about Gallifrey and the Time Lords. She had spent every spare minute studying their history and their race, replacing the tales the Church had told her with the truth, but there was only so much she could understand. Most of the downloaded information had been in Gallifreyan with no translation available. So River had set about learning Gallifreyan so she could translate the information herself. It hadn't been easy, but she finally found an archive of speeches made to the Shadow Proclamation. Those were translated into several languages including Gallifreyan so that's how she started. She couldn't speak the words in the proper tongue, not yet, but she could read them.

She marveled at the books, itching to read each one, when she noticed a series of books on one of the shelves that had no writing on the spines. She picked one up and quickly discovered it was a personal journal. The writer was mourning the loss of a young male named Adric. River shut the book quickly. The Church had told her the tale of Adric, painting him as another one of the Doctor's victims. Obviously the boy had meant a great deal to the Doctor, from the sadness in the words he had written. As much as she longed to know the man roaming the halls of this ship, she did not want to read that sadness, not right now.

River replaced the book, and selected another one. She opened the book to a random page and found a poem.  
She is the light within me  
But she touches my darkness and rides thunderous storms  
She is the blustering wind around me  
But she grounds my steps and steadies my brokenness  
She is pain that breaks my soul,  
The library that will not release me from torment,

But she is all the joy in my Song. All the Joy is my Song.

 

River was touched at the words. They were beautiful. Certainly there was love and beauty in the Gallifreyan race, but she hadn't found it in any of the books she had read about them. River heard a rustling behind her and turned to look. Suddenly there was a short corridor leading to a bright room. She followed it and found herself in the Doctor's library. River tucked herself into a comfy chair and began to read.

The book she had picked up was a book of poetry. It wasn't long before River realized the words were written by the Doctor about her, or about the River she would supposedly be someday, and it hurt. Hurt deep within her. She could feel the aching love in the words, and it was too much to take. Honestly, she was a bit jealous that the Doctor felt this way about a woman that was not her. But she kept going. She had to find out who River Song was and she was curious about her relationship with the Doctor. 

She didn't understand everything. Spoilers she assumed. But, according to the Doctor, River was brave, and clever, and wild. There was talk of tenderness and kindness in the mist of strength and madness and fun. It sounded like River Song did not give up Mels' wildness and that made her happy, and she was even more surprised to find that the Doctor loved that part of her as much as the rest. There were words of love and passion that stirred something in her, something that felt like the kiss that had taken her regenerations. There was something electric between the Doctor and River Song and that was something she was looking forward to indeed. But how in the world could the woman she was now compete with the memory of the woman in these pages?

“You weren't supposed to find that,” the Doctor said gently. River took a breath and looked up at him. She expected his anger but found him smiling. Even though future River Song sounded like someone she would want to be, she refused to have anyone dictate her future to her. And that smug smile on his face made her angry. 

“I'm never going to be her,” River spat out and threw the book toward his head. 

The Doctor caught the book, almost falling backward. When he had righted himself, he ran a hand down the book's cover and then sat it down on a table. He walked over to River and squatted down in front of her chair. The Doctor took River's hands and held them between his own. He ran his thumb up and down her hand in a practiced motion. 

“That book is about a woman who means a great deal to me, and that is very much you. Yes, the woman in front of me right now,” he said, seeing the argument leap to her eyes. “You, the wild, beautiful woman with a storm inside of her. You, the woman who fights years of hateful programming every second she is around me. You, the most amazing woman in the universe.”

The Doctor put his fingers under her chin and tipped her face back up when she started to look down again. When she looked at him, to her surprise saw that he meant it. He was here with her, right now. Not wishing she was someone else, not disappointed in her antics, not asking her to be anyone else. His eyes were kind and happy and River smiled, unable to help herself. 

The Doctor put his hands on the arms of her chair and leaned in toward her. He kissed her forehead, then laid his check against the spot he kissed. “My girl,” her murmured, “my brave, strong girl.”

River felt the pain inside of her shift a bit and on a whim, she reached up around the Doctor and quickly pulled him down into the chair. The Doctor yelped and limbs akimbo landed directly in River's lap, looking up at her with a surprised look on his face.

River dipped her face toward his and kissed him, her lips pressing firm against his. It was the first time she had kissed him since Berlin. The Doctor's arms flailed a bit, but then he made a small sound of pleasure and his fingers went into her hair, cradling her as she explored kissing him. 

River shut down her mind and concentrated on the feel of his hands, the feel of his kiss. The electricity stirred within her and when he parted her lips and she breathed in his breath, she knew this was exactly where she wanted to be.


End file.
